In Cool Blood Feb13

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In Cool Blood

February 12th, 2013 – Police finally caught up with the ex-cop who went on a murder rampage this past week, killing four people.  Originally identified as Christopher Dorner, media outlets are now acknowledging that the killer was falsely identified.  Police, citing dental records, have confirmed that the murderer is actually beloved 1980s era raper and mediocre actor LL Cool J.

Original suspect Christopher Dorner

Newly identified murderer LL Cool J

The AP is reporting that alleged quadruple homicidal maniac “Ladies Love Cool James” was found in a barricaded vacant cabin near the San Bernardino National Forest.  He had apparently stolen two cars on the way to the house.  It is not clear wether or not his hit “Big Ole Butt” was taken into consideration when he was choosing to travel by foot or car to the cabin.

Police surrounded the abode and exchanged gunfire with the rapper-turned-murderer for several hours.  As the standoff escalated, police tried to contact Cool James multiple times.  LAPD Lt. Andrew Neiman stated Wednesday that they attempted to open negotiations in hopes of, “gaining the deranged smooth operator’s trust.”  The police even went as far as to offer him an abundance of audio listening equipment as a way to sooth his mania, citing his hit single “I Can’t Live Without My Radio” as the primary theory behind the solicitation.

However, after bringing in expert criminal profilers and psychoanalysts to provide input on the situation, Police Chief Charlie Beck made the call that the flat cap wearing deviant was beyond hope.  Referencing his “Bigger and Deffer” hit single of “I’m Bad,” Chief Beck explained that the cruel and brutal nature of Cool J began to reveal itself as early as 1987. Thus it was determined that it was too dangerous to enter the compound, and the song writer turned murderous monster was left to burn as his house went up in flames.

As the now notorious musician-killer killed himself and set his house ablaze, the only question left to ask now is “why?” Indeed, it appears as though LL’s rampage was partly caused by a dark hole in his soul and a severe lack of companionship.  His hurt was palatable listening to the sorrow expressed in his schizoid hit “I Need Love.”  The third verse is especially disturbing:

“I wanna kiss you hold you never scold you just love you

suck on you neck caress you and rub you

Grind moan and never be alone

if you’re not standing next to me you’re on the phone

Can’t you hear it in my voice, I need love bad

I’ve got money but love’s something I’ve never had

I need your ruby red lips sweet face and all

I love you more than a man who’s 10 feet tall”

Clearly, LL was a disturbed and psychotic individual who had seemingly lost all grasp on reality.  Philip Greg, a special criminologist and psychologist assigned to the task analyzed the mad man’s thoughts.

“As the lyrics show, this was a man who had bizarre sexual intimacy issues” said Greg. “His perverted obsession with ruby red lips and caressing is sickening.  His narcissism is evident in his expectation that people will discern his emotions and feelings from merely the tone of his voice.  To top it off, he imagines the physical world as a kingdom of giant 10 foot tall men who aim to steal his love from him.”

Whatever caused this once promising rap artist to dedicate his life to evil will never fully be known.  But thankfully, his life was ended before he could further cary out his twisted plan, dubbed “14 Shots to the Dome.”