Iced Tea Balls Jul16

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Iced Tea Balls

Fuck you Lipton Iced Tea.

More on that thought in a minute. Let me first turn my attention to “the wave.” No, I’m unfortunately not talking about the 1981 made for TV movie about a real life 1967 classroom experiment about cults. The wave I’m concerned with is the one that fucking sucks.

The Wave

I don’t want you to think that I consider myself above the wave. I used to be a big wave supporter. Heading to RFK with the other 237 National fans when I was a 21-year-old drunk asshole was fun, and truth be told, there was little else to be stimulated by. Hell, I even tried to start a few waves (alas, I can’t remember if I was ever successful). I mean, it’s not like the wave is a bad thing in and of itself – it actually looks kind of cool. Lots of people doing the wave all the way around a stadium is visually appealing and an excellent exercise in group psychology and conformity. There is a great satisfaction to seeing this pattern of motion, especially when you are one of the ones who “starts” the wave. For whatever reason, people like doing it and like seeing it. I get that.

But that was in 2007. What were we burgeoning Nats fans supposed to do if not the wave? How many times a game could we really insist that “if only John Patterson was healthy we would be half decent.” How long can screaming obscenities at Austin Kerns possibly hold our attention? Over the course of that 182 game season, how many times could I explain to someone why I loved Ronnie Belliard even though he sucked? The wave was all we had, and we fucking loved it. (that is of course ignoring how proud we all were when we found out Nook Logan was on steroids). Fast forward to 2013 and we’ve got a different situation on our hands. We have a really good team (if only they would prove it). We have a brand new stadium. We have the best young players in the National League. The only thing that isn’t better about this team is that it doesn’t include Willy Mo Pena. Going to a Nats game is just about the most fun anyone can have in this town – the games are close, the players are awesome, the fans are decked out.

So how is it that people are still doing the fucking wave?

It’s truly despicable on so many levels. To be blunt, the wave is, at press time, egregiously inappropriate and should not be encouraged or participated in by any self-respecting Nats fan. Back in the day, it was the only thing worth doing. Today, it takes away from the tremendous product that you paid top dollar to watch.
But really, what am I getting so worked up for? Is a wave between the top and bottom halves of the 2nd inning really all that terrible? No, of course not. It’s the sheer and undeniable fact that, for whatever reasons, Nats fans seem to have a penchant for starting the wave at the most insanely spectacular parts of the game.

3-3 tie in the 8th? Time for the wave.

Soriano closing it out? Why not do the wave?

Zimmerman just hit a grand slam? Cool bro, but I’m doing the wave right now.

I have literally seen with my own eyes these events transpire. A 9th inning wave in a save situation?!?!?!?! COME THE FUCK ON PEOPLE!!! If you don’t want to pay attention to the greatest game invented by man during the most important time of that game, fine then, go fuck yourself you piece of shit. Like everyone around you gives a flying fuck that you work for a “non-profit” and that you buy the cheap seats so you can go to the red porch for most of the game to gladhand with your other dip shit pals. If you want to do the wave, fine, hopefully you’ll shut the fuck up for a minute while you do.

kill the wave

But even if you’re not one of these twat farmers the wave is grossly embarrassing. As a fan you are there to support your team and see a great game. Those goals should be 1 and 1a. Doing the wave destroys your chances at accomplishing either. Do you think it really amps Soriano up to stand up stupidly in your chair for 2 seconds while everyone around you does the same thing? Do you think the best way to show Ian Desmond just how much you care about him doubling to deep right center is to act like a group thinking ignoramus? I’m not necessarily trying to say that the players really give a shit what we as fans do, but I can’t help but imagine that they must get a little bit pissed when everyone is doing the same god damn stupid thing just to entertain themselves. It’s got to be disheartening when you see the whole stadium exercising in assininity while you’re trying to play your very best ball because you know (at least you thought) that’s what they came to see. The players don’t like it, the fans (56%) don’t like it, I don’t like it, so don’t do it.

Settled.

Evidently not. Enter Bud Selig. Enter Lipton Iced Tea.

Apparently last night during the Home Run Derby, Lipton Iced Tea was introduced as the new official iced tea of Major League Baseball (finally – the suspense of not knowing who was the official iced tea was killing me!). And to kick off their new sponsorship deal Lipton has a brand new marketing campaign that makes me want to suffocate myself by stuffing Nats dogs down my throat:

lipton wave

“The Lipton Rally Wave.”

Apparently to promote their god awful beverage, Lipton will be using video boards and the like to urge fans to begin the wave throughout the remainder of the season at all 30 ball parks. Marc Hanson, the marketing director for Lipton’s initiative, eloquently explained:

“We thought about the fan experience and we looked at the wave and kind of considered it that quintessential time when every fan connects in a shared way. To us, it felt like sharing iced tea at home.”

Lets throw aside that Mr. Hanson has to be the first guy on planet fucking earth to do the wave and think “wow this is just like drinking shit iced tea at my $5 million dollar mansion.” I can’t even get into what a bogus justification for a marketing strategy that is. But the bigger point here is that Lipton and this fucking Hanson dick head are dead wrong. People hate the wave. And, as if Lipton Iced Tea didn’t suck enough already, now people will hate your product even more because they will just associate the wave (which they hate) with your ass hole tasting beverage (which they also hate).

So let me raise a glass of his ice cold, piss laced drink so that I may pour it on Mr. Hanson’s head as I tell him to go fuck himself. Fuck you Lipton. Nobody wants to do the wave, nobody should do the wave, and nobody will do the wave now that you’ve attached a corporate sponsorship to it.

terrance

So at this point, I know what you’re thinking. Perhaps I should be thanking them for their bombastic stupidity if, in the end, the wave is killed by corporate conspiracy.
Nah. I’m not thanking anyone for mandating that Terrence the Hype Man try to start the Lipton Rally Wave. That anticipated experience alone justifies my eternal damnation of Lipton and their entire marketing department.

So to Mr. Hanson and all of the other Lipton scrotum lickers I say to you this – “Shame on you sirs!”

– Kevin