NBA Preview for Assclowns – East

Atlantic Division

New York Knicks – The Knicks were too old last year. The Nets out-age them in the offseason and everyone is handing them the division? I know playing with J.R. Smith and Metta World Peace simultaneously will test Melo’s anti-snitching mettle, but I think the area guidos will accept Andrea Bargnani enough to give him the confidence to at least remember he has some talent.

Brooklyn Nets – March 4th. That is my over/under date for KG informing Jason Kidd that his wife’s bruises taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Toronto Raptors – Canada should be good for Tyler Hansborough. Americans are too jaded to really appreciate him.

Boston Celtics – According to the preseason Vitor Faverani is an upgrade over Garnett in the post.

Philadelphia 76ers – Darlings of NBA journalists who think tanking is the only way to succeed despite a lottery draft system and the conspicuous ability of tanking teams to suck for decades on end. Enemies of anyone who doesn’t think watching a basketball game should feel like getting eye-raped.

Central Division

Chicago Bulls – They’re the best and they’re going to win.

Indiana Pacers – They are good. But I think too many people are all over Paul George’s balls as the next big superstar. It’s very disrespectfulto Mrs. George.

Milwaukee Bucks – People are going to kick themselves for sleeping on them. At least the type of people who inflict self-harm for failing to give proper preseason credit to a team that slips into the playoffs.

Cleveland Cavaliers – I bet Kyrie Irving is kind of a dick in real life. But I loooove Anthony Bennett. He is the perfect confluence of my two favorite player-types: undersized 4’s and big fucking fat guys.

Detroit Pistons – I am not buying the hype. They are getting a lot of credit for amassing talent. They are not getting enough credit for only amassing talents who love shooting from way further away than they actually can.

Southeast Division

Miami Professional Basketball Organization – I’m like the Lebron James of sex. I am good at presenting myself like I’m the best at it, but I can’t finish unless my two best friends are there in matching pajamas.

Washington Wizards – “Bad” Brad “The Real Deal” Beal “or No Beal” will make sure the Wizards’ name is no longer a laughing stock. Just kidding the name will always be a laughingstock. But they’ll be pretty good.

Atlanta Hawks – I have an item on my bucket list that involves a pizza box, 6 dice, Sweet Lou Williams and enough one dollar bills to drown a stripper.

Orlando Magic – I’ve got a weird feeling they are going to be sneaky respectable this year. To be fair I’ve thought that about a lot of girls. But it’s never the case.

Charlotte Bobcats – I love watching Michael Jordan run a team. It’s like watching famed bread mogul Arnold T. Wonderbread electrocute himself with his toaster.

Playoffs! Playoffs? Playoffs.

1 – Chicago

2 – Miami

3 – Indiana

4 – New York

5 – Brooklyn

6 – Washington

7 – Milwaukee

8 – Atlanta

Conference Champion: Chicago Bulls

Starting Five

Man of the Year: Ersan Ilyasova

Loosest Slut: Jeff Teague

Most Ineffective Whoremonger: Andray Blatche

 The Hot One: Giannis Antetokounmpo (pronounced: Giannis Antetokounmpo)

Heavyweight Champ: Taj Gibson