NBA Preview for Assclowns – West Oct31

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NBA Preview for Assclowns – West

Southwest Division

San Antonio Spurs – I will never forgive them for last year’s finals.

Houston Rockets – Forget the fact that Dwight Howard is a sex-tape away from being the biggest attention whore on the planet, Omri Casspi is gunning to be the first Jew to start a game at power forward since they wore horn-rimmed glasses and thought dunking was a sin. Except for Amar’e Stoudemire.

Memphis Grizzlies – Heavy-set, slow-paced, prone to violence, aging, game based on rebounding. This can describe Zach Randolph, the Grizzlies as a whole or my sex life.

New Orleans Pelicans – The New Orleans ‘Cans. That is how you rename a franchise, you beltway pussies!

Dallas Mavericks – I actually like them a little. All their interesting players are either under 6’3” or Dirk Nowitzki. It’s going to be like watching Alvin and the Chipmunks and that weird tall guy that owned/fathered them and took a lot of one-legged fadeaways. Also, he’s German now.

Northwest Division

Oklahoma City Thunder – Looking forward to see how many points Kevin Durant can score before Westbrook takes the ball and goes home.

Minnesota Timberwolves – With Kevin Love and Ricky Rubio finally healthy at the same time, these guys are supposed to be exciting. Things are looking up for the white NBA star.

Portland Trailblazers – I know why they’re called Rip City. Because they smoke so many bongs! I’m just kidding, I would never disparage an entire city of communist hipsters with accusations of rampant drug abuse. They’re called Rip City because John Fitzgerald Portland’s ornate signature tore a gash in the first draft of the Declaration of Independence.

Denver Nuggets – Apparently, Brian Shaw’s new system involves slowing down the pace to run a half-court offense through the post. Which makes perfect sense when you have three diminutive fast-break point guards, play at an altitude that gasses visiting teams trying to run with you and your post is manned by Javale McGee. But apparently Shaw thinks Javale is starting to take himself more seriously. Which should make his unintentional comedy that much funnier.

Utah Jazz – If he averages 18 a game Gordon Hayward is going to get more Mormon ass than a Provo bikeshare seat.

Pacific Division

Golden State Warriors – Holy crap these guys are fun to watch. This is what you do when you have a devastating scoring point guard: assemble the best passing front line trio (Iggy, Lee, Bogut) that I have ever seen.

Los Angeles Clippers – Finally, CP3 has the right crew around him. Let’s see how it goes.

Los Angeles Lakers – The Xavier Henry era begins!

Sacramento Kings – New owners! New alleged-mastermind coach! Still Demarcus Cousins and a bunch of redundant roster parts!

Phoenix Suns – Sixers west.

Playoffs! Playoffs? Playoffs.

1 – Golden State

2 – San Antonio

3 – LA  Clippers

4 – Oklahoma City

5 – Houston

6 – Minnesota

7 – Memphis

8 – New Orleans

Conference Champion: Golden State Warriors

NBA Champion: Golden State Warriors

Starting Five

Hate Me Now: David Lee

Gimme the Loot: Zach Randolph

Sweet & Sour Like a Tangerine: Gal Mekel

Who Ya Gonna Call: Kendrick Perkins

Party Like a Rockstar: Enes Kanter