Strike the Match

As Bill Walton would say, Tinder is a simple game, but a game that must be played nonetheless. We’re busy people. We don’t have time to meet people. And people who talk to you in real life are creepy. Just stick the whole romance/dating/sex/findingapartnertobringchildrenintotheworldwith side of life into an app. Keep it simple, no one wants to read your match.com pick-up job application. You get six pictures and a tagline. How do you seduce women into swiping right with so little information? That’s a question for a more conceited website. But, if you really want a helping finger, here are some common missteps to avoid.

Don’t be too self-deprecating.

Humility is all well and good, but don’t talk yourself down too much. For example:

-Don’t bother liking me, I’m just here to jerk off to profile pictures.

-Are you supposed to swipe with your penis? Because I swipe with my penis.

-I literally say yes to every girl on here. So if you swipe left, I will know about it, I will take it personally and I might kill myself.

-Does this app work better than literally everything I have tried for the past 30 years?

-You’ve done worse… if you have ever had to talk to me in person.

-I don’t care if you seem like a fake profile, if you like me I will tell you my social security number.

-I swear I will get a job if you agree to go on a date with me.

 

Don’t be a weirdo.

I know. It’s the internet. It’s a creepy casual sex app. And, no, I can’t think of a place more appropriate to act like a sketchball than what is so often referred to as “The Slut Game.” But, please, stay above it all and avoid taglines like:

-Come check out my basement goldfish.

-Bring your own van-candy.

-Ready to meet anyone smaller and slower than me.

-This app is great! It’s like the Chipotle app except all the burritos are whores.

-Get at me if you used to be a dude! No homo.

-Swipe left if we have mutual friends.

-Where do I put my credit card number?

-If you like pina coladas… and being caught in dark alleys.

 

Don’t make fun of the girls’ photos.

Gentlemen, you may notice that there seem to be very noticeable trends in the types of pictures that girls tend to put up on here. There are quite a lot of specific archetypes you will come across again and again. But I must caution you, if you feel compelled to comment on these typical photos, try to be respectful. Don’t say things in the vein of:

-Those are some sexy-ass baby pics.

-This is a great app for dudes who are sexually aroused by puppies and epic scenery.

-Nothing hotter than the possibility that the baby in your 3rd pick is yours.

-I’m glad so many of you are looking up at the stars, as opposed to looking behind you.

-Whoa, when did all the chicks on here win the Olympics? It’s not like they just give those medals away to anyone who is willing to beg their friends to donate to some fly-by-night charity for three months and then jog for half an hour.

-Chicks look so much hotter when they are in the bottom corner of a picture of a mountain.

-Are there really this many models on here? Or are these professional looking pictures just the well-composed memories of getting molested by a creepy guy with a camera?

-Tough Mudder and Color Run pics don’t make you look like badass athletes. But they do demonstrate a certain comfort with facial stickiness.

-If you’re cool with jumping out of planes, then you’re not getting scared off by a 40% chance of syphilis are you?

 

And don’t shit on their taglines either.

Much like the pictures, there is a lot of tagline repetition. Girls seem to like adventure. And travel. And travelling for adventure. They also like inspirational quotes. And Tinder puns. This is okay. You don’t need to get into it. Just look at the pictures and hope someone actually likes you on this thing. Don’t say something to the effect of:

-Yes, you can be my Tinderella! My house is littered with mice and torn up dresses.

-Saying that you like to travel does not make you interesting.

-Live well. Laugh often. Love much. Lurk in the bushes masturbating almost constantly.

-Oh, you loooove hummus? Weird coincidence: I have a hummus flavored dick.

-Not all who wander are lost… but some of you will never be found.

-I’m glad you’ll lie about meeting on Tinder, because I’ll lie about my name, criminal history and penis size.

-People who truly live by bland inspirational quotes do not spend their work day playing one-touch hook-up games on their iPhones.

-If you’re dumb enough to define yourself by your state of birth, you’re dumb enough for me.

-Why is it all the girls who list qualities that will cause automatic rejection weigh at least a deuce and a half?

-No foodies need apply. I prefer girls who don’t eat.

-You like adventure, too? Because there’s this holy grail I’ve been looking for…

 

Congratulations!

Well, now you know how conduct yourself with aplomb. Or at least, without generating restraining orders. But, I’m sure you still have plenty of techniques to not get laid on Tinder. Or, you know, anywhere else.

Keep it classy out there, gentlemen.