Pelican Brief

The Pelican BriefThe Pelican Brief was a book I strangely admired as a small child. I guess I saw it sitting around somewhere and thought the cover was cool. Yes, I look back on this now and realize it was an exercise in assininity; a young Arlingtonian pining over a stupid John Grisham crime thriller. I guess I probably thought the word “Pelican” was sweat or something.

Now I think it fucking sucks.

Tom Benson, the owner of the god awful New Orleans Hornets, announced today that he will be changing his franchise’s name to the New Orleans Pelicans. Fuck.

Now don’t get me wrong, a name change was long over due, as the current monicker was inappropriate and ill suited. We all know that the Hornets should be named the Jazz, the Bobcats should rename themselves the aforementioned Hornets, and the Jazz should rename themselves the Weird Underwear Wearing Mormon Sickos.

Unfortunately, the Jazz won’t give up their naming rights, insisting to liken their team to a musical genre that half of their fans probably aren’t even allowed to listen to. So the Hornets had to come up with something new. But the Pelicans? Are you shiting me? I can’t possibly think of a worse name for a franchise

brown-pelican-MillerActually, I can – the Wizards.

But lets get back to the matter at hand. The Pelican, a bird that is only famous because it was perennially pictured being covered in sludge during the whole BP debacle, is a creature more suited for a cereal box or a condom wrapper (maybe with an X over top of it). The idea that you’re going to name a group of ballers after some obese, gulleted state bird is just flagrantly stupid. Simply put, by naming them the Pelicans you are admitting you couldn’t come up with ANY name that was better.

For starters, did someone already copyright the “Louisiana Fast” or something?

oh yeah…


Well what about the “Racist Policemen”?



How about the “Former Chris Paul Scrotum Punchers”?

ah yes…



I don’t care if all of the other awesome names are taken; there’s just no excuse to name anything after a Pelican.